New Year’s resolutions are a bigger joke than Tiger Woods’ wedding vows. Just because it’s a new year doesn’t automatically make you any more ambitious or any less lazy. So unless your resolutions involve doable things like “stay up a half hour later each night to beat my high score” or “learn more effective Facebook stalking techniques” ignore the impulse to say yours aloud. If you say any of the following, you’re just asking to break it by January 2nd.
Photo credit: BluEyedA73, Flickr
7 Lose Weight
This is by the most popular new years resolution around. But unless you’re the newest contestant on the Biggest Loser or Lindsay Lohan, it’s not happening. So stop being a follower and start being a leader. Tell everyone your resolution is to gain as much as possible, as fast as possible and they could all support you by buying you an assortment of KFC and Popeye’s gift certificates.
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6 Follow Your Dreams
Last time I checked you weren’t starring in an inspirational made-for-TV movie about going after what you want. So under no circumstance quit your job and wait for a musical montage to begin following you as you find true happiness as an artist living on the beach. Unless of course your dream is to be unemployed with a case of “how am I going to pay the rent” anxiety syndrome.
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5 Spend More Time With Family
Could you even get the whole phrase out of your mouth without wanting to kill yourself. Sure it sounds nice in a Hallmark card-get more money in your grandparent’s will kinda way. But when you’re way hungover on Sunday mornings, the last thing you’ll want to do is meet the family for brunch. Getting over to the toilet bowl to get a drink of water is hard enough.
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4 Stop Drinking So Much
Why? As long as you can function somewhat normally in society and your midday keg races aren’t affecting your work, there’s no reason to stop doing what comes so naturally. And don’t even think twice about the beer belly issue – just stop buying pants that don’t come with an expandable waistline.
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3 Learn Something New
Unfortunately in this context, new is often a synonym for completely unachievable. You aren’t going to start brewing your own beer this year nor will you become a certified snake charmer. Why not work on learning something realistic and productive, like how much a girl needs to drink in a bar to fully develop functioning beer goggles.
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2 Relax More
Unless this is a fancy way of saying that you got fired from your job then forget about it. If you’re a productive person who goes to work daily and drinks tri-weekly, then relaxing more just doesn’t really fit into the schedule. So exchange your new yoga mat for a year’s supply of caffeine, energy supplements, and/or cocaine. They’ll keep you so awake and so on edge that you’ll forget the word relax even exists.
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1 Be a Better Person
Yes Mother Teresa, this sounds very impressive to say aloud, but it’s practically impossible to execute. Do you really want to give up your seat on the subway for a pregnant woman? And do you really plan to donate all your paychecks to charity? Unless you’re a serial killer who can actively be a better person by refraining from murder, it’s a lost cause.
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(Previously published on December 30, 2009.)
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